Emotional Control

Margaret Paul, Ph.d. asked:


Our society is filled with verbal and emotional abuse, from radio and TV commentators and presidential candidates, to parents, educators, employers and managers. As Patricia Evans states in “The Verbally Abusive Relationship”, the old adage, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me,” is not at all true. Just as physical abuse is wounding the to body, verbal abuse is deeply wounding to the soul.

If you grew up in a verbally and/or emotionally abusive family, you might not realize when you are being abusive and when you are being abused.

Behind verbal and emotional abuse is always about a desire to control the other person - to have power over the other’s feelings and actions.

Verbal abuse includes:

• Being Irritable, impatient, and argumentative

• Blaming anger, unpredictable anger, hostility, explosiveness, jealousy

• Blaming the other for the abuser’s behavior

• Demanding, ordering

• Being critical and judgmental

Verbal abuse is also emotionally abusive, but emotional abuse may not look verbally abusive. Often emotional abuse is more subtle and covert than overt verbal abuse.

Emotional abuse includes:

• Lack of empathy

• Withholding and withdrawing

• Defining another with seeming kindness: “Honey, You’re just a bad driver”

• Discounting another’s feelings and opinions

• Being nice to others but not to a partner

• Being competitive

• Acting like the victim

• Quick come-backs or joking put-downs

It is vitally important for people at the other end of verbal or emotional abuse to understand that you DO NOT CAUSE AN ABUSER TO BE ABUSIVE, and that there is no excuse or justification for any form of abuse.

Once you understand that you do not cause abusers to be abusive, perhaps you can also understand that there is nothing you can do to have control over getting an abuser to see or understand what he or she is doing, or how hurtful it is to you, or to understand your point of view. There is no way of having a rational discussion because, when someone is deeply attached to having power and control over another, they don’t WANT to understand or work it out.

Abuse comes from feeling very powerless, from not being able to handle fear, loneliness, heartache, and helplessness over others. Abusers want to have control over getting others to do what they want so they don’t have to feel their painful feelings. Trying to talk things out is often the last thing they want to do. They just want to win - to have their way. However, there are things you can do to not be a victim of verbally abusive behavior. (Physical abuse is another matter. It is imperative to find a way to leave a relationship that is physically dangerous to you or your children.)

Patricia Evans, in the above-mentioned book, states that what abusers really want is connection. Because they are so disconnected from themselves - from their own feelings and from a spiritual source of comfort and guidance - they are desperate to connect with another person. But for them connection is more like ownership, rather than authentic connection based on mutuality and caring. When you engage with an abuser through explaining, defending, trying to understand, or complying, you are giving the abuser what he or she wants - some level of connection. It’s important to recognize that, while you are never causing an abuser to abuse, you might be feeding the abuse with your response.

If you are in a relationship with a verbal/emotional abuser and you are not ready to leave the relationship, you might want to try NOT connecting at ALL with the abuser when there is any level of abuse. By completely disengaging from any abusive interaction, or at the most saying an incredulous, “What?” (which Evans recommends in “Controlling People”) and then disengaging by singing a “happy song” (a simple song that you sing in your mind to stop thinking about the interaction), you might have a chance of stopping the cycle of abuse.

The challenge in taking this action in your own behalf is to learn to disengage both physically and energetically - which is why singing your happy song is so important. Singing moves you out of your programmed reactive left-brain wounded self and into your spiritually-connected right-brain, energetically stopping your engagement in the interaction.

While disengaging in this way doesn’t guarantee that your relationship will heal, it may be the only possibility you have other than leaving. Perhaps it worth a try!



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Annette Huygens Tholen asked:


How are you showing up for your game, or even for training. Are you showing up to win? Are you showing up the same way each and every game, ready to perform, like a champion?

Many athletes are reactive in their emotions and therefore placing control of their results outside of themselves. If you have ever said “I am anxious (or any state) because “event’ happened” then you have been reactive.

I was working with a golfer and I was asking him to think about his confidence levels. And every time he stepped up for a hole, I asked him, “What’s your confidence right now, out of 10?” And it would be either a seven, seven and a half, or six or something, and he always gave a reason. He said, “I’m confident on this hole because I like this hole,” or, “I’m confident because I’ve been hitting the ball pretty well now.” Or, if the confidence dropped off, “I missed that past drive, so I’m less confident.”

It often seems that the emotion is controlled by some external situation, or by other people. Have you ever said, “Oh, he makes me mad,” or, “that makes me mad,” or, “that upsets me.” No one, or nothing can make you do anything – you do have a choice.

It’s often what you decide about that situation that will create that emotion. I’m urging you now to choose to be a master of your emotional state. You can choose HOW you want to be, particularly when it comes to being on the sporting field, in the sporting arena.

Isn’t it important how you control your emotional state? Our optimal emotional state will vary person to person. Some people like to be cool, think of Chris Evert-Lloyd, Chris Evert on the tennis court, and her being very cool and collected, not showing much emotion. She was the ice queen. Compare that, and let’s stick to tennis, to the emotion of Lleyton Hewitt, or Baghdatis, who really had to fire up to play at his very best.

It can vary for you, what your ideal emotional state is for you to play at your very best. The players described above had found those optimal states, and took control of being in that state.

The results that you get in your sporting endeavours are the result of your actions, that’s quite obvious. The actions you take, whether it’s specifically on the sporting field in the moment, or the actions you take with regards to your training - your training behaviour, the intensity of your training, the intensity of your playing – you know, how fast do you run, etcetera? All those actions will determine the results that you get.

So what determines your actions? How come you can play well on one day and not the next? Your actions are determined by your emotional thoughts. Just think about driving a car. I would hazard a guess that you all consider yourself decent drivers, pretty safe out on the road at the best of times. Now, imagine yourself being a little bit heated, a little bit more emotional. Either you’re feeling really angry about something, or perhaps you’re even down: how does that affect your driving?

One day you’re sitting in peak-hour traffic, you’re feeling great, you turn on the radio and nothing can change how you’re feeling. You just listen to the radio and it doesn’t matter about the peak-hour traffic. The next day, same traffic, and you got up on the wrong side of the bed, and then suddenly you’re going in and out, changing lanes and it changes your actions. And it can change your results, whether it gets you quicker to your destination is questionable, but it can change your results.

So, your emotions will determine your actions, and the same in your sporting endeavours. Your emotions will determine your actions. Determine what is the ultimate emotional state for you to be able to play at your very best? It will vary for each person.

You can probably remember your greatest games and that’s probably an indication of how you want to be in any situation. Think now about what some states might enable you to be at your best, to be able to play at your best; is it confidence, is it powerful, is it strength? Perhaps a bit of playfulness? Compassion sometimes is needed when you’re playing with a teammate. Do you need to be fired up or passionate? Would it be useful if you were creative?

A performance coach can help you create an “anchor’ for these resourceful states, so that you can access the desired state on command. By taking a certain action (eg a fist pump) or touch of a certain body part, (eg. the earlobe) and associating it with the ideal emotional state(s) you create a resource anchor to use anytime.

One of the keys to being a champion is to master your emotional state. Choose how you want to be when you need to play at your best and then create a resource anchor for those desired emotional states. It is important to commit to being in the states you have chosen whenever you play or perform to make this really work.

For more information or assistance in developing the mindset of a champion, contact Annette Huygens Tholen at info@annetteffect.com.au or be sure to check out www.annetteffect.com.au to find out about upcoming teleseminars. You can listen to these seminars on webcast at a convenient time for you so that you don’t miss out on the information that could make the difference between gold and also-ran.



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Albert Foong asked:


If you are in extreme emotional pain, please answer this: who is your worst enemy?

Who is the one hurting you?

Most of the time the only person hurting you is yourself.

Before you react, please let me explain.

A lot of things happen to us over the course of life. It is normal to feel hurt and upset. As it all piles up, or if the injury is deep, it is natural to feel this extreme emotional pain. There is nothing wrong with it, we are all only human.

But often times, emotional pain comes after the event, whatever it is. Someone insulted you, betrayed you, hurt you, abused you, or lied to you?

Your natural reaction at that very moment is most likely to be out of your control, unless you’ve been practising self control for a while.

When does the pain come?

But when does the real pain kick in? Most likely, it’s after the event. That is when all the thoughts come in. “I can’t believe he did that!” “Why me? What did I do?” “She shouldn’t have done that!”

And then you stew about it, you get upset. Your thoughts feed your emotions. Your emotions feed your thoughts in a vicious cycle. It spirals into emotional pain, and sometimes into depression and anger. How long does this aftermath go for? Hours? Days? Years?

These are hours, days, months, and years that you could have spent in happiness instead of emotional pain.

Cut it off at the root

So who’s your worst enemy? Your ego, your uncontrolled thoughts.

In Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, it is recommended that you switch these thoughts around. Replace a negative thought with a positive one. That’s a great idea, and it worked wonders for me when I was in depression. But often times when the emotional pain is extreme and intense, we don’t remember or don’t feel like switching thoughts. So what then?

Turn off the thoughts. Cut off the trouble at the roots. Switching off your thoughts requires practice, for thinking has become a habit. A couple of good ways to do this is to watch your breath. Just be still and feel it. Feel the sensation as it enters your nose, down into your chest. It occupies your mind and stops the thoughts for the mind cannot do two things at once.

Once you have done this, the emotions have nothing to feed off. But they won’t die straight away. It’s like a camp fire, after you’ve put out the flame, the coals will still be warm for a while more. Give it some time and wait for the emotions to cool down as well.

Switch to the positive

It is only then that it is feasible to switch your thoughts from the negative to the positive, and change extreme emotional pain into something more pleasant.

Get into the habit of practicing this every time you feel upset. If your emotional pain is extreme and constant, as it can be in depression (24 hours of misery a day), then it’ll take a lot of practice. But keep it up. The results will be peace and happiness at last.



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Johan Tonsbeek asked:


They swim silently and unnoticeable in your sub-conscious mind until it is too late. They are the zzzzzzt limpet mines in your electrical system and like viruses that continually affect your hard drive making it virtually impossible for you to achieve your true performance potential in life.

Losers let life happen to them because emotionally, it is an easy way out. Winners make life happen for them because emotionally it might not pay off straight away but they know it will always pay off in the long run. Losing is an Emotional Habit and so is winning. Life then is the ultimate emotional experience.

Losers engage in pleasurable activities with no particular result in mind; instant gratification is their goal. Winners choose activities that will give them long term, positive results; delayed gratification, giving them the last and longest laugh.

Emotional Habits are formed through continuous, electrical impulse messages to our mind, which the sensory nerves carry from our hearing, touch, vision taste and smell to the data processing area of our brain over our lifetime, sometimes causing de-stabilising zzzzts to take place in our body’s electrical (Energy) system.

The brain then makes a decision based on this information and immediately sends the working order through the motor nerves to the appropriate parts of the body demanding action. It should therefore come as no surprise that after the body responds to the same emotional and identical stimuli time after time, after 25 to 30 times an emotional habit is formed.

And here is the most interesting part. After a while, because of this continuous repetition, the message from the censoring nerve learns to jump over to the conditioning motor nerve without a conscious decision by the brain. Think about it. Only 25 to 30 repeats for an Emotional Habit to be formed and it becomes like a software program installed in the hard drive of your computer, your brain , your sub-conscious mind.

You don’t think about it anymore. You just run the program.

The SAS/SBS and SEAL training is a journey in which Emotional Habits are either taught or over layered with new ones. You don’t think about whether or not you should follow your instructor’s directions, you just do it. In the beginning, most of us would resist listening and learning effectively and taking directions from our instructors. We would not openly rebel (we were not stupid) but our resistance showed up as we went through the (E) motions of the training activities. Some of us would over dramatize our pains and aches just trying to drag butt, and the instructors would have us do the activity or exercise over and over again. Repetition, repetition, repetition.

Very quickly though, we would learn that to drag **** would only aggravate our learning curve, so the smart and dedicated ones amongst us developed the Emotional Habits by always adhering to the rules whenever possible; by always putting out to the max, by being with our buddy wherever we went, by always running, never walking, by always being prepared, trying to keep our dry diving suits patched up, our thick woollen under suits dry for the never ending AWKWARD exercises as they called these, often midnight or early morning drills and by keeping our diving equipment and fire arms in A1 condition.

These AKWARD drills required us to find our way in the dark to our diving platforms or pontoons; silently dress in our woollen under suits and dry rubber diving suits in record time, and be ready for a 10 km flipper swim or a 2 hour closed circuit oxygen compass dive or a diving exercise on the Jackstay line on the bottom of the harbour in pitch dark and ice cold water. Failure of one individual to develop these emotional habits would bring unwanted attention to the group and therefore immediately affected all of us on an emotional/mental as well as on a physical level.

Eventually that individual would be weeded out by the instructors and sent packing.

These habits developed into Emotional Habits over time. Compelling research now identifies Emotional Habits or Emotional Intelligence (El), rather than IQ, as responsible for 90% of our success both professionally and personally. Self-awareness, empathy, the ability to control our emotions, to LISTEN, to recognise the good in a bad situation and to work with others, are just some of the behaviours that successful individuals and organisations recognise and apply.

These key attributes have been definitively linked to the success and survival of individuals and to many organisations’ executives, managers and employees, including successful SAS/SBS and SEAL graduates!

SAS/SBS and SEAL Training courses are a war of attrition and a contest of luck and commitment. And as luck is the residue of design, only over time and with much repetition, adversity and pain did we finally learn to LISTEN to our Instructors as though we had an antennae implanted between our ears.

We quickly learned the meaning of discipline. In other words, we were becoming highly trainable volunteers because of the deliberate overlaying of new Emotional Habits over the old ones, making us obey at the slightest command and direction.

When we allow unhealthy habits to be our guiding council in life, we give up control of our actions and find ourselves at the mercy of that blind giant in the subconscious level of our minds who calls all the shots without any concern for our wellbeing. We lose our Personal Power. However when we begin to deal with the attitudes and actions that emotionally bind us, we give ourselves permission to take control and build new Emotional Habit patterns that help us perform to our ultimate performance potential.

Short bursts of one, and two or three minute Energy Psychology mind-body exercise techniques should be part of everyone’s daily battle, game plan or discipline. They are an effective way to help you instantly deal with self sabotaging thoughts and subsequent behaviours based on our own emotional interpretations of experiences gathered over a life time and help you overlay negative emotional habits with positive ones.

However, there is a critical difference between knowing something and learning how to make it a part of our every day battle, game plan or discipline. Just like in the SBS/SEAL training courses the secret is repetition, repetition, repetition.

Repetition creates an emotional habit; emotional habits become convictions and convictions control your actions and ultimately decide whether or not you will achieve your full performance potential in life.

Very few of us ever do. It’s your call.



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Robert Elias Najemy asked:


As we work with EFT, we will often observe changes in emotions, aspects and even in the events, situations and the issues themselves. In such cases, we might find it beneficial to flow with those changes addressing each obstacle as it appears. We must however always have in mind the unresolved emotions, aspects and issues and return to check them and resolve them.

A. Working Directly With the Emotion

Note: We use two phrases when doing the set up.

A. We rub on the sore spot on one side (or tap the side of the hand) repeating phrase “A” three times. B. Then we repeat phrase “B” three times while rubbing the on the sore spot on the other side (or tapping on the side of the other hand). C. Then we repeat the “C” reminder phrase while tapping on the 12 points.

A. Even though I feel (the emotion) _____________ when / because ___________ (stimulus), I deeply and profoundly love myself.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = (The emotion) because / when ____________.

B. Possible Aspects We Need to Look At

If after completing three rounds we do not get satisfactory results, we might want to check the following possible aspects.

I. Emotions which we have about the fact that we have this emotion (which we are now working on)

A. Even though I feel some _______(perhaps - guilt, shame, self-rejection, self-doubt, anger) because I have this (emotion we are working on) _____________ when / because ___________, I deeply and profoundly love myself.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ________. (The one that we have because of the fact that we have the original emotion)

C. Reminder Phrase = (The emotion) _________. (The one that we have because of the fact that we have the original emotion)

II. Emotions which might be creating the original emotion. (For example anger and **** are usually a secondary emotions which are caused by primary emotions such as fear, hurt, injustice, guilt etc. In such a case the primary emotions might need to be removed in order to get free from the secondary - i.e. anger)

A. Even though I feel some _______(perhaps - fear, guilt, shame, self-rejection, self-doubt, injustice) because / when ___________, I deeply and profoundly love myself.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ________.

C. Reminder Phrase = (The Emotion) _________.

III. Resistance which we might have about getting free from this emotion. (Psychological Reversal)

We need to work on each possible resistance separately.

Consider some of the possible beliefs, which might create resistance:

Beliefs and factors which may cause us not to want to let go of a particular emotion.

1. I have felt this way a long time and do not know what it will be like to be without this emotion. It will be like losing an important part of myself or my life. (We have become attached or addicted to feeling this way.)

2. I believe that I need this emotion in order to protect myself from others. (Possibly anger, depression, injustice, pain)

3. I will lose my power or control over others. (Perhaps anger, depression, dissatisfaction.)

4. I will lose others’ attention if I do not have this emotion.

5. I will lose my self-worth if I do not feel this way. (Especially feeling the victim or angry from which we seek to get our feelings of goodness, rightness - self-worth)

6. I will allow others to be free from feeling guilty or responsible about me. I will lose control over them.

7. I will need to take responsibility for my life.

8. I will need to be happy - something which scares me.

9. I will have to recognize my self-worth - which also scares me.

In such cases of inner obstacles, we can use the following phrases:

A. Even though I fear letting go of this emotion because _____ (resistance) ________________, I deeply and profoundly love myself.

Note: If we sense we have some resistance but do not know what it is then we can just say

A. Even though I seem to have some resistance towards letting go of this emotion, I deeply and profoundly love myself.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (fear or resistance) ________.

C. Reminder Phrase = (The emotion or resistance) _________.

IV. Physical problems associated with emotions involved.

A. Even though I have this (physical phenomenon) ____________ in my (part of body) ___________, I deeply and profoundly love myself.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (physical phenomenon) ______ in my (part of body)_____.

C. Reminder Phrase = (physical phenomenon) in my (part of body)

V. Childhood experiences similar to this event which make us more susceptible.

A. Even though I feel (emotion) ____________ concerning what (name of person) _____ did ________(in Childhood), I deeply and profoundly love myself.

B. I choose (want, deserve, allow myself, accept, realize that it is in my benefit) to be free from this (emotion) ______.

C. Reminder Phrase = (The emotion) about (other person’s name and what he/she did)



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Josef Mack asked:


Whether we know it or not or whether we accept it or not, our emotions play a critical role in our overall health. Here are some questions for you to consider: Do you have a handle on your emotions? Are you steady and consistent? Are you all over the map? Are you even aware of your feelings or emotions? Do you cry at the drop of a hat? Or have you never cried at all in your entire life? I am not trying to make any judgments here, but I want you to look at and be honest with yourself. Take the time to recognize the emotional elements that play a role in your health and life.

The secret here is to understand how you handle your emotions. Are you in control of your emotions, or are your emotions in control of you? You may very well ask - so what? If you let your emotions control you then you may want to look at changing that behavior in order to give you a better chance at achieving what you want in your life. Balance in all areas is a major factor in our state of health and wellness.

What is really meant by our emotional nature? And where do our emotions really come from? Our emotions or feelings come from our heart. Are you able to feel, or are you like Mr. Spock from Star Trek, who is strictly logical and intellectual? Do you bury your feelings? Do you ignore your feelings and hope they will go away? Or are your emotions on your shirt sleeve and you don’t think before you react? Remember to be in the best of health we need to be balanced.

We are multi-dimensional beings. We think and we feel, whether we like it or not. And if you claim you don’t feel, I would challenge you - that is a feeling as well.

Emotions can go all over the map, from tears of joy to tears of despair. If we do not acknowledge and deal with our feelings and instead suppress them, all we are doing is stuffing them deep inside ourselves till they explode.

When they explode, we won’t have any way to control that event. Think of a bomb going off. No one knows where the pieces will end up, it is uncontrolled chaos. That state of being uncontrolled is the same thing with our emotions. When we blow - watch out! The stuff will hit the fan and go everywhere.

Have you ever read about people who for no known reason suddenly seem to go crazy and lose it? How about the ‘normal, average citizen’, who goes on a shooting spree and then ends up killing himself as well? When the reporters interview his family or friends, no one can explain it. He was just an average Joe, then he blew up for no apparent reason, or was the reason building up inside of him all those weeks, months and years?

Sometimes the explosion can be internal,and the stress that builds up could lead to a heart attack, an ulcer, a ruptured appendix,a stroke or something equally painful.

Do you really want to take such chances with your health? Our body does the best it can to keep us healthy. When we ignore it, when we don’t take care of it, or when we abuse it, our body does what it can to survive. So the choice is up to us - will we choose to be balanced, or will we choose not to be and accept the consequences?



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Mohamad Latiff Bin Rahim asked:


Maintaining control over your time and mind is crucial to your success in all areas of life. There is, however, one more major aspect that you must maintain complete control of before you can ultimately cruise on your path to success.

That said aspect is your life and maintaining complete control over your life is much simpler than you think if you observe the following:

1) Take proper and adequate care of your body and health. Always ensure you have a balanced diet of nutritional meals, exercise regularly and get at least 6 - 8 hours of adequate sleep. This will rejuvenate your body, improve your blood circulation, increase your energy, sharpen your focus and strengthen your attention span. The more energy you efficiently expend on aerobics exercises, the more energy you will get throughout the rest of the day.

2) Be confident of your appearance. Do not despair over the way you look just because you have a mole or a zit on your face. Learn to tell yourself that you look good and at the same time, take necessary steps to look good by spotting tidy and combed hair, wearing clean clothes, cologne and perfume, wearing matching accessories like watches, necklaces or earrings, etc.

3) Understand your feelings and understand how to control them. If you are constantly feeling angry, learn how to curb your anger by taking a walk, sitting or lying down. Do not bear grudges and learn to forgive and forget because it can be detrimental to your health and mind if you don’t. When you are feeling sad, confide in your family and friends and cry if you have to in order to release your sadness. If you are constantly feeling bored, inject some humour in your life as laughter is the best medicine.

4) Have a positive and optimistic attitude. Things will seem easier to manage and better things will come to you when you adopt this attitude. In addition, life will seem less dreadful and you will be able to cope better with problems and stressful situations.

5) Set proper and realistic goals and targets. You must be clear about what you want to achieve in specific periods of your life and the best way to do this is by adopting and practising goal-setting techniques. The easiest goal setting technique you can use is the 3Ws, 1H strategy - namely what you want to achieve, why you want to achieve it, when you want to achieve it and how will you go about achieving it.

You are now equipped with essential knowledge and tools to control your life. It is entirely up to you to take specific actions and exact measures to apply these tools to effectively steer the trajectory you are taking towards your success in life.



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Abhishek Agarwal asked:


Anger is not an uncommon human emotion. We all do feel it at different times in our lives. However, if your anger has reached such proportions that verbal and physical abuse to those around you has become common, you quickly need to curb this emotional state. It is finally you yourself who needs to take the first step towards bringing your state of mind back into reasonable levels on anger.

Here is the first thing you need to realize - people don’t like people who cannot control their anger, If you cannot stand being around a person who unleashes verbal abuse at the slightest mishap, chances are your anger does not go unnoticed either. People tend to start avoiding such characters, and that is why angry people do not often make good relationships with other people.

Many people sometimes get angry with themselves when they were not in control in a given situation. The positive way to look at this would be - make sure it doesn’t happen again. At the same time it is good to keep in mind that we cannot always come out on top, that’s not what life is about. There are always things beyond our control and there always will be.

Accept the fact and learn to forgive yourself when you can. Life is not always easy, and it is best to accept that fact that there has not happened anything to you that no one has faced before. Everybody goes through hard patches; some do get a worse deal than others at times. But life does go on, and it is best to move with the flow. Nothing lasts forever, not even bad times! So it is better to stop worrying about them and to move on in life.

Once you realize the fact that you can after all be in control of your emotions, you will never want to let the emotion of anger get in the driver’s seat ever again. Once you start to smile more often than you scowl, you will quickly see the world looks much better this way. Also, people like being with people who smile, as opposed to people who are always angry.

Did you know that your verbal ability can cause a torrent of emotion to flood your body? Talk positive even if negative emotions do enter the mind, and the emotions will turn positive, in line with your verbal reactions. Anger management is an exciting journey - one which is well worth the effort, and one where it is only for your own benefit. Once you learn to control the anger emotion, you will see how different life can be!



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Margaret Paul, Ph.d. asked:


Emotional infidelity occurs when you or your partner become emotionally connected with someone outside your relationship, either in person or on the Internet.

How dangerous to a marriage or committed relationship is emotional infidelity?

One way of looking at emotional infidelity is that it is very dangerous, because it not only takes away time and energy from the marriage, but it can lead to sexual infidelity and possibly to the end of marriage.

Another way of looking at it is that it is a symptom of problems that already exist within a marriage. My experience with the couples that I work with is that, when the primary relationship is not emotionally and physically intimate, each person may be vulnerable to a form infidelity - either emotional and/or physical. Rather than blaming the affair for the problems, why not address the real problem?

Emotional affairs are compelling because it is so easy to be close with someone with whom you have no shared responsibility - no money issues, no children, no chores. It is easy to share your deepest feelings with someone with whom you have no conflict. It is easy to get the good feelings that you get when someone who doesn’t live with you and doesn’t see all your issues thinks you are wonderful. But it is a cop-out - an easy way out of dealing with the real issues at hand. And if this affair does lead to a break up of your marriage and into a new permanent relationship, the chances are you will end up with the same problems! So why waste your time? Why not deal with the problems now?

The primary problem that leads to emotional infidelity is emotional distance between partners. While emotional infidelity is a symptom of emotional distance within the primary relationship, the emotional distance is also a symptom of the deeper issues within the relationship. These deeper issues might be:

* One or both partners trying to have control through anger, blame, and criticism - which are overt forms of control.

* One or both partners trying to have control through care-taking, i.e. giving themselves up and taking responsibility for the other person’s feelings - which is a covert form of control.

* One of both partners withdrawing and resisting being controlled by the other partner.

* Neither partner taking emotional responsibility for his or her own feelings of pain and joy. Each partner abandoning themselves - with self-judgment and ignoring their feelings through addictions, and/or making the other responsible for their feelings.

* Power struggles that result from the control and resistance dynamic and an inability to resolve conflict.

The relationship system that develops, when neither partner takes responsibility for his or her own feelings, and when each partner tries to have control in overt or covert ways, grinds down the love until each person feels disconnected from their partner and lonely in the relationship. This is when they are susceptible to emotional infidelity.

However, these patterns do not disappear just because you move into another relationship. You take your overt and covert forms of control with you into any relationship, as well as your underlying fears of rejection and fears of engulfment that underlie these forms of control. These patterns don’t generally show up early in a relationship or in an emotional or physical affair, but that doesn’t mean they are gone. If your new relationship were to become your committed primary relationship, these patterns would again surface.

Why waste what might turn out to be a wonderful relationship by not dealing with your fears, controlling patterns, and self-abandonment now, in your current relationship? Instead of addictively looking to someone else to fill up your emptiness and take away your aloneness and loneliness, why not learn to do this for yourself so that you can break your dysfunctional patterns and become the loving human being that you are capable of being? Imagine the wonderful relationship you and your partner might have if both of you were to learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and your own ability to love!



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Overcoming emotional eating can help you lose weight faster than ever before. Even those stubborn pounds will melt away. It’s all about re-training yourself and your relationship with food.

Portion Control

Because emotional eating strives on emotion and not logic, you’ll have to incorporate safe guards to control you when your logic can’t. A good way to do this is to divide foods into portions before you get the urge to go on an eating jag.

As soon as you get home from the market, divide any bulk items into separate serving zipper bags. Bulk items include chips, cookies, crackers, etc.

If you have a problem with going back for seconds, thirds, and fourths, buy pre-packaged meals that only contain one serving per meal.

Eating Buddy

Many people who live with emotional eating find that having an eating buddy can be a blessing. Ask someone you trust, like a spouse or roommate, to be there for you when you feel yourself going out of control.

When you find yourself plunging into that tub of ice cream, ask for help. Saying something simple and funny like, “Honey, can you take this ice cream away from me before I put a hole in the bottom,” can lighten your mood and give you a signal to stop eating. Since you started the intervention, you won’t feel defensive or hurt when your buddy takes action.

One of the biggest things you can do for yourself is to find ways to control emotional eating. You just need to admit that you have a problem and find a trusted soul to help you on your journey to wellness. If exercising a little discipline isn’t enough by itself, get on a formal diet plan like this Fatloss4idiots review - the habits you have cultivated will complement the plan for guaranteed results. Either way, take action - your body, health, and waistline will thank you.



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